So close.

I set a very aggressive writing goal for myself this weekend. I began it with three chapters left in my outline and I wanted to be completely done with them by Monday. I want to be typing the words ~the end~ very fucking soon. So I'm fully immersed in writing, forsaking nearly everything else in my life so that I may reach this goal.

...and I'm scared shitless. 

I've been writing and thinking about and researching this simple little book for so long and I can hardly believe it's almost out into the world. My anxiety is through the roof. I just want people to like it. I think I'm finally super close to the place where *I* like it, finally and I'm a harsh critic.

I always feel like I know what I want to write, but sometimes the synapses don't fire off what is seen in my mind's eye to the fingers to type it just right. So this journey has been full of hand wringing and frustration at not being able to get what I think are the right words on the page. Then I have to realize that the story will come out of me in the way that the characters move me to tell it. As much as I think I'm in control, I'm not. These fictional figments of my imagination are running the show and I'm at their beck and call. 

But once I type those final two words I'll have finally done it. I will have completed an entire book.

Holy shit, I wanna vomit.

xoxo,

Nicole

[Reading] is easy, young [woman]; [writing] is harder...

If you couldn't tell from the bastardization of a lyric from the post title here, I am low-key obsessed with Hamilton the musical and think Lin-Manuel Miranda is definitely a friggin' genius. I'd  not listened to the soundtrack since I saw the play in April (least humble brag, ever...), but for some reason it was on my heart heavy today. So I cranked it while at the day job and got my entire life. While I've listened to this cast recording 5012 times, today when Chris Jackson sang the original line I pilfered for this post's title (dying is easy young man, living is harder) I immediately connected it to my creative process.

I tend to take the easy way out ten times out of nine. I don't need that stinkin' easy button from Staples because I am perfectly capable of finding shortcuts, loopholes, and other means of skating by in order to achieve a goal successfully on my own. Writing a book however? You can't really do that. Well you could, but then your book would suck. And what's the use in putting out a crappy product for consumption when you're a nobody so it's not like it's easy money...what was I saying? I'm easily distracted.

Oh yes, I was saying...

These people. Bro. Bruh. Breh. Sis. Cis. They have taken me THROUGH it. When I initially talked to my friend Christina about this story it was supposed to be a short, maybe 10k words and it did not resemble anything of its incarnation today besides a couple of shared character names. It has evolved into this...thing that, according to some people, is kinda interesting and compelling. But making it so? It is the single most nerve-wracking thing I've made myself do in quite some time. My anxiety has anxiety about this damn book being released unto the world.

But it is a thing that must be done, so I am coping.

Barely...please send rosé gummies and/or champagne to help ya girl.

xoxo,

Nicole

What's in a name?

So I've been asked by several people why I'm choosing to write under a pseudonym, so what better way to introduce myself to the world than to give a little background on how I came up with my writer name. : )

• The first reason I'm choosing not to write under my government name isn't any cloak and daggery type jazz, it's simply because I hate my real first name. I've never felt it fit me and it's wack; so whenever I get a chance to avoid using it, I take advantage of it.

• Another reason is because I work in a field that may lead to me being published in academia at some point. Not that this first book is filled with smut, buuuuuut I'ma keep it a hunnid and say who knows what the future holds. It could get real in the field. So because of that, separation of church and state was necessary.

• And 17th of all, I wanted to pay homage to the women who always encouraged me to pursue my writer dream. They were descendants of the Falls line of my family tree, so using that as my last name was a no brainer.

That's it, that's all--for now. Next time I'm gonna write about my process and how I dragged this book to the trash daily the entire time I've been writing it, haha!

xoxo

Nicole